August 12, 2011
Nutless

I know someone who pronounces “peanuts” in a way that sounds like “penis”.  Peanits. 

There is no reason peanuts should be so prevalent in our conversations.  But they are.  They come up at least once a month, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but think about how often YOU talk about peanuts and then you can fucking judge me.  The world is so surreal.  Up is down, black is white, peanuts are penises and Roseanne Barr runs a macadamia farm in Hawaii.

Masterful segue achievement unlocked.

Did you know that Roseanne runs a macadamia farm in Hawaii?  She does, and her adventures are documented on a reality TV show called Roseanne’s Nuts.  I am serious:

The whole world has finally gone crazy.  I haven’t seen this show, and god willing, I never will.  The day I find myself parked in front of the TV watching Roseanne in a pair of overalls flinging handfuls of of pricy nuts at peopl e who work for a living will be the day I give up.

Does it ever insult you almost to the point of violence that the people in charge of keeping you sedately in line think a concept like this will entertain you?  Do you ever want to go on a murder spree, fueled by the knowledge that influential people in positions of power think so little of your intellect that they blast this shit, and variations of this shit, in your face 24 hours a day in the hopes that it will get you to go out and buy more Slim Jims and Budweiser?  Billy the Exterminator!  America’s Funniest Home Plumbing Accidents.  Desperate Nannies of Staten Island.  Nut Punch Diaries.  Laugh the night away.

I’m mad that I even KNOW about this, so I’m sharing it with anyone who will listen to me.  If you watch this atrocity, you deserve to eat Velveeta.  Let’s shape the culture into a giant pair of truck balls.  Jesus Christ, it’s no wonder the rest of the world looks at us like we’re apt to stuff our fingers in our nostrils up to the third knuckle at any given moment.  I realize I have a dirty mouth sometimes but this is some uncivilized shit, even for me.

Sometimes I see something so stupid, I hope it’s a joke that I just don’t get.  But I’m not willing to subject myself to it for long enough to find out.

Ha?

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