July 15, 2011
Fairy Tale Friday! Gabe Angerson, Angry Robot

Late one night at the robot factory, an elderly craftsman named Morehead Anderson sat down to build himself a companion. Morehead had spent many years working in the factory, building robots for other people, but he had never had one of his own. Although he knew his way around a robot, he was not very good at understanding people.

He toiled and sweated, hammered and smelted, and after a few hours, put the finishing touches on his new friend. A little programming and Robot Gabe was ready for the world.

Gabe’s eyes fluttered open with a whirring of gears, and beheld Morehead looming over him, beaming with pride in the sentience of his new creation. “At last, a robot to follow me everywhere and help me overcome all of life’s obstacles!” gurgled the wrinkled meaty thing.¬† This sounded terrible to Gabe, who reached out with his mighty metal crusher hands and strangled Morehead to death.

Poor Morehead! It would seem he had programmed Gabe with drastically wrong reactions to everything. But that was no longer his problem, as flies settled on his remains and proceeded to lay eggs in his skin. Morehead’s troubles were no more and he is henceforth no part of this story.

Gabe staggered out into the world to find that rumors of his murderous temper preceeded him, and the people called him Gabe Angerson, for he was mightily fucking mad. Not to his face, for to do so was to ensure a strangling. But the hushed whispers followed him wherever he went, and he soon became tired of life as an outcast. He wandered far from his home, to a place where nobody knew him.

Gabe was an angry robot, but not a stupid one. He knew he had been programmed poorly. He knew he could not succeed in the world by being what he naturally was, so he decided to study people, and emulate them. Gabe was willing to force himself into any shape if people would stop throwing cans at him, or urinating on him from bridges, or sticking magnets to the back of his head, which fucked up his thoughts.

His first approach was to study the happiest people of all - babies. He screamed in movie theaters and defecated on himself. He affixed his mouth to the breasts of women. He tore off his clothes in the mall. But none of these things brought him adoration. “Babies grow up to be terrible people,” said Gabe. “Every miserable bastard I’ve ever met was a baby once. Fuck babies!”

He next looked to the most loved of all people - the attractive. He paraded around with small scraps of fabric draped over his mechanics and demanded praise. He shook what his mama gave him. But people just said, “There goes Gabe Angerson, exposing himself in public. Now he is not only a violent sociopath, but an exhibitionist as well.” “Fuck this,” said Gabe Angerson. “I can not keep up with all the waxing and polishing anyway.”

He heard of a wise old robot who lived on a mountaintop, and as robots are insusceptible to the elements, it did not seem like a big deal to climb up there and ask him what was up. So he did, and at the mountaintop he found Robhandi, a stack of glowing sheets of aluminum,¬†robot essence distilled to its purest elements. “Robhandi, what do I have to do, to get these sons of bitches to like me?” asked Gabe Angerson.

And Robhandi replied, “Fuck it, Gabe. It is liberating when nobody likes you. Then there is nobody to disappoint.”

Gabe Angerson achieved enlightenment and descended the mountain, into the village, where he proceed to stomp the ever loving shit out of babies, attractive people, and everyone. If someone got in his way, he stomped them. First motherfucker to come at his head with a magnet got the crusher arm. People pretty much left Gabe Angerson alone from that point on, and he was the happiest son of a bitch alive.

The end! Happy Friday!

  1. imbjr said: LOL @ magnets.
  2. simianidiot posted this
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