Astonishing Shit You Can Buy: Wax Vac

March 6, 2013

Of all the astonishing shit you can buy, my favorite shit is the personal care variety of shit.

It is in this department that marketers really shine, because nothing brings out an advertiser’s creativity boner like the need to exploit humankind’s insecurity and vanity to sell completely unnecessary garbage that nobody will ever use more than once.

Behold, the Wax Vac.

Harriet Carter, a catalog for which I am frankly offended to be on the mailing list, wants you to know that your ears are so crammed with wax, so utterly filled to the brim with your own offal and filth, that you need an electrical device to suck that shit clean. Q-tips tremble in fear at the prospect of swabbing out your canals, and jump to their deaths when you reach for them, rolling just out of reach behind your toilet, to languish among the dust and hair you never clean. How do I know about the state of the area behind your toilet? I know everything I need to know about you by the golden volcanos ever gurgling forth from the pits of gore stuck to the sides of your nasty ass head.

So buy this thing, which incidentally filled the entire front cover of the Harriet god damned Carter catalog, or maybe you should buy TWO, because they are sold TWO FOR $18.50. You could use one on each ear. Or, when you burn out the motor on the first one, you can have an emergency backup ear wax gun. Or when the first one is full of your vile extrusions, because god knows you’re never going to clean it. Harriet Carter knows your filthy earwax secrets.

You disgust Harriet Carter.

Harriet Carter wants to put you over her knee.

Are you suggesting that Harriet Carter is a nasty dominatrix obsessed with sex? Are you suggesting that, you filthy earwax demon, you crude, miserable, unwashed wretch who requires an actual VACUUM to slurp the crud out of your disgusting vile head holes? Are you suggesting that the Harriet Carter catalog is little more than a thinly veiled purveyor of deviance, a masturbatory mastermind?

The HOSE HOLD: “POSITION YOUR HANDHELD SHOWER HEAD AT ANY HEIGHT ANYWHERE IN THE TUB OR SHOWER! High or low, handy holder lets you choose exactly where to place your shower head. Ultra-strong suction cup secures to any smooth, non-porous surface and swivels a full 360 degrees.”

Okay, maybe you have a point.

And now it’s time for a musical interlude.

Today’s honoree is Denise H., about whom I know very little. But the lovely Denise helpfully provided me with a few handy details. So now I know that Denise is from the UK, and likes pasta and crayons and Irish Setters, but she does not like Barry Manilow. That may not seem like much to go on to you, but I am a musical savant, so I found just the thing.

Thank you, Fountains of Wayne (“Band with a name that sounds most like a porn title” - Juge) for composing this song titled Denise, which coincidentally contains the lyrics:

“I know this girl named Denise,
She makes me weak at the knees
She likes her pasta and crayons
But Barry Manilow gives her a migraine.

Sha la la la la la la!
(She controls me)
Sha la la la la la la!
(I can’t help myself)
Sha la la la la la la!
Irish Setters…
Do you like them Denise?”

I may be mis-hearing a few of the words, but I’m pretty close to the mark, I think. Close enough, anyway. Your ears are so packed with wax, you’ll hear what I tell you to hear.

Thanks for participating Denise! This project will be going on for at least three more weeks based on the number of requests I have left, but if you want yourself a song, carefully hand-selected by me, for you, please don’t forget to e-mail me your request at evielust at aol dot com.

See you tomorrow, dirty-ears.

9:00am | URL: http://tmblr.co/ZgQbJyfeeO51
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(Notes: 4)