I admire people with convictions. A solid code of conduct is a respectable thing. A rule book for decency. Like the Bible, but with fewer animal stories and floods.
I once spent the night in the house of a vegetarian couple. I barely knew them but Sifu, who was my new boyfriend at the time, assured me they were good people and maybe that’s true.
They were also batshit insane. After a few pleasant hours, Sifu and I found ourselves seated side by side on their couch, while they paced back and forth, ranting and raving and waving their arms and screaming at us, unprovoked. I don’t recall all the details of the lesson, but I do remember a few key elements:
1. It is wrong to eat animals,
2. Animals are good,
3. Except animals who eat other animals, which is EVIL.
4. It is okay to eat those animals; in fact, it is important to cleanse the earth of them
5. It would be good to eat people, because people are the most evil of all.
6. Someday the lion will lie with the lamb
7. If it doesn’t, we must kill and eat it
8. I can never, no matter how hard I try, atone for my lifetime of sins against the animal kingdom;
9. But I should try anyway,
10. But don’t get my hopes up.
Etc. It went on like this for some time, probably no more than an hour though it felt like weeks. I listened politely, in part because I did not want to argue with Sifu’s friends, and in part because I knew that almost ten years later, I would be writing a blog about this very incident.
That night, after Sifu and I were excused from our abuse session, we went to their spare room and lay awake in the dark, baffling each other with our recollections from the night’s events (“The lion will lie with the lamb? Really? Like…sexually? Or just in proximity? Or what?”) We were not eating meat either at the time, but the first thing the next morning was drive to a country diner with hand painted circular saw blades hanging all over the walls and eat the flesh of every one of God’s creatures they served there. I’ve never looked back.
I have a good deal of respect for vegetarians and vegans, because their lifestyle is more sustainable than mine and they have convictions and beliefs and their farts, while plentiful, do not recall the essence of factories and paper mills and their blood is clean and their skin is clear and their asses are firm and their hair is shiny and lustrous, but more than all of that, I love vegetarians and vegans who NEVER TELL ME THEY ARE VEGETARIANS OR VEGANS, because I appreciate a critique - stated or implied - of my diet no more than I relish a lecture on the state of my soul by one of God’s soldiers.
If you demand that I repent, I guarantee you I will not. If you suggest that I atone for something I’ve done, I’m doing it twice tomorrow. Mind your own business.
Far be it from me to shy away from a morality system that salutes the EATING OF HUMAN FLESH as a public service - God knows we are a renewable resource, and we’re factory farming ourselves without even acknowledging the burgeoning, hungry market - but I am willing to bet that if I emitted some tasty substance - let’s say, BLTs erupted out of my ass every hour - and COWS, those gentle, sacred, lowing fools of the plains, had the THUMBS and the GUMPTION to rip my sorry guts open to get to the blessed BLT font within, THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WOULD STOMP MY SHIT TO DEATH. Human BLT spouting asses would be an endangered species within a week. There would be teams of animal surgeons, diabolically restructuring our anal openings into slots, so our clenching sphincters would not crush the toast. YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT.
Even the most gentlehearted of creatures WILL eat the everloving fuck out of you, if you met the following criteria:
1. You are tasty
2. They know you are tasty
3. You will stand still long enough to become lunch
It’s the natural way of things. Who are you to question God’s plan? Do you want to be UNNATURAL? Do you want to be an UNHOLY SINNER?
Jesus wants you to eat tasty bacon.
In the name of the burger, and of the bun, and of the nitrate filler, amen.
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