May 30, 2012
The Friends You Need

I know a lot of ladies.  They were trained from birth to do and care about the kind of things that ladies do and care about.  They always knew what kind of wedding they wanted, and fantasized about babies because they’re cute and you can buy them all kinds of cute little things.  If that’s the kind of thing you’re into, good for you.  I mean that sincerely.  You are carrying on humanity’s proud tradition in the spirit of evolution.  You are 100% natural.

I got married because I met someone I wanted to attach myself to, physically and legally, and I didn’t think about my wedding until I had no other choice.  100 hungry Italians and 100 thirsty Irish who hadn’t said a civil word to each other in decades were to be confined under one roof to celebrate my union.  It was perfect in spite of me.  Babies scare the shit out of me, because when they’re cute and tiny, feces and snot come rocketing out of them and when they grow, they turn into people, and people make me wary.  But that’s not what I want to talk about today.

Ladies are often advised by magazines that there are certain friends that EVERY lady needs in her lady life.  The friend who is brutally honest.  The friend you can party with.  The friend who makes you laugh.

STUPID.  Of course you need these things.  Magazines think you are a fucking moron if you need to be told you need a friend to be honest and funny.  Are you a fucking moron?  Of course you’re not.  You are an Idiot with a capital I, and proud of it.

Here are the friends you really need.

The Cautionary Tale.  This friend is a fuckup.  Often a well meaning fuckup, not a bad person.  She’s not on meth, she doesn’t steal from her grandmother.  She’s just not inclined to “doing it right”.  She dates the wrong people, makes wrong choices.  Her stories are the best and she makes you look like an expert at life in comparison.

The Breeder.  Different from the baby-craving professional-womb type, the Breeder never meant to have all these damned kids.  Where did they come from?  She loves every last one of the little motherfuckers but her conversations are peppered with “DON’T EAT THAT” and “I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT.”  She obviously loves to screw and she’s not afraid to take risks.  Your frustration with w*rking full time and raising your one or two measly little offspring make her laugh. 

The Upstanding Example.  She was valedictorian, went to graduate school, loves her family, finds time for all her friends, never says a mean word, still talks to people from Kindergarten, maintains her checkbook, runs marathons on the weekend…and yet you must love her, because she’s funny and ridiculous and doesn’t take herself seriously.

The Space Case.  She is from the moon.  You don’t want to spend too much time with her, because you know she’s likely to try to steal your hair or bake you a cake with her blood in it.  She is a pain in the ass to talk to but she keeps life interesting, and sometimes fills in for The Cautionary Tale.

Any I’ve missed?  Let me know.  I’m filling out my tarot set of acquaintances.  I’m The Fool but vacancies still remain for a few of the others.

  1. simianidiot posted this
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