May 4, 2012
"People who speak in metaphors can shampoo my crotch."

Today’s subject line comes from Mr. Udall, Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good As It Gets”.  The first time I saw that movie, I thought Mr. Udall was an insufferable jackass, but with every passing year I can relate to him more and more.  He’s still an insufferable jackass, but I am less not an insufferable jackass.  If that makes any sense. 

I am catching up to you, Mr. Udall.

Nonetheless, let’s enjoy a metaphor that came with my grocery delivery.

These are my Chips Ahoy cookies.

They’re not mine, exactly.  I got them for Sifu, because I love him, and because if they ever invented a cure for Beetus, the first thing I would do is go full-blown Cookie Monster on a family-sized bag of chocolate chip cookies.  I mean I would smash them into my face with such force they would disintegrate on impact.  Kind of like what seems to have happened here.  Either the delivery lady got a little aggressive with my groceries and gave them the Godzilla treatment, or the Cookie Monster gave himself too much insulin and went wang gang apeshit when nobody was looking, and then hid the evidence in with my order of lean proteins and healthy, boring green vegetables.

Sometimes life is like this.  You go into your experience expecting a tasty chocolate chip cookie, and you end up with a bag full of shit.

That’s why it pays to keep your expectations low.  Always.  Expect the bag of shit, and then the cookies will taste that much sweeter. 

These are still good, right?

May your lives be a less tragic metaphor this weekend, Idiots.  And if they are not, may you at least find some sucker to shampoo your crotch.  Happy Friday.

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