March 4, 2012
I Dream of Bernie


I was in the back seat of a car that was stuck in traffic on the Bronx River Parkway.

Realizing that we were driving a little close to the car in front of us, I decided to be a total shit and leaned into the front seat to advise the driver of same. I was surprised to discover there was no driver.

In the front passenger seat, an enormously fat woman was gripping the dashboard in terror. “We are going to get into an accident if you don’t move into the driver’s seat,” I explained to her. “Nuh-uh,” she said. “I don’t drive since the last time I got in a wreck.”

"At least maybe reach over with this stick, so you can hit the brakes if you need to," I said, producing a stick with a boot at the end of it. The type of thing I always have handy in dreams.

"NO," she said, shaking her head so violently her chins swayed. "I’m not getting involved."

The car in front of us suddenly changed lanes, and we plowed into the back of a taxi that was parked on the highway for no reason. A State Trooper appeared on the scene immediately. I scrambled for my seat belt, which I was not wearing.

The trooper leaned into the front seat to talk to the gigantic woman, but she started blubbering incoherently, so he gestured for me to open the back window. I did so, and he leaned in.

Surprise! It was Bernie Mac!

"What happened here," asked Officer Bernie Mac.

"I think the driver disappeared," I explained. "Neither of us is responsible for this. He vanished. He was here a minute ago."

"Well, what did you think of the movie, ‘The Hangover’?" he asked me. And I could tell this was a trick question.

"I did not care for it," I said. "I thought it was overrated."

"I was in that movie," said Bernie Mac.

"No you were not."

"I think I was…"

"You weren’t. I think you died before ‘The Hangover’ came out. You’re thinking of ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, which was totally different."

Did you ever explain to somebody in a dream that they are dead? The look on their face is always priceless.

  1. simianidiot posted this
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