nce upon a time, a disgusting, disease carrying waterbug named Drainocles was skittering around in the bathroom. He walked his nasty feet all over the soap. He dragged his filth-riddled carapice over a human’s bathrobe. His feelers grazed the bristles of a toothbrush. He was large from a lifetime of feasting on soap scum and drain pubes, and his shell was glossy and black. He was revolting.
He was touching his gnarly feet to someone’s makeup brushes in the soothing darkness of midnight when suddenly, the sun flicked on and a Giant appeared. “Bleck!” said the Giant, who was clad in pajamas with little James Brown heads all over them. “Ewww!”
Drainocles was confused. “That Giant is not attempting to smash me,” he thought. So he stayed very, very still, in hope that the Giant would think he was part of the pattern of the wallpaper.
"I see you," said the Giant, "and I want to smash you with a shoe, but I don’t have a shoe. I won’t smash you with my bare foot. That would be disgusting beyond comprehension. So I will take mercy upon you, and let you go free, as long as you don’t crawl close enough to the drain that I can spray you with Scrubbing Bubbles and rinse you down."
"I understand," said Drainocles, "and I will make my escape through a tiny hole in the closet wall behind all your clean towels, which I have touched with my crawly little feet many times."
"Go in peace," said the Giant. And they slowly backed away from each other.
In that moment, the two species forged a bond which was to last many days. The Giant, in her kindness, had shown Drainocles a new world of possibility - that nature’s enemies might be able to coexist in peace. He thought about the Giant quite a bit. And she, in turn, thought quite a bit of him.
And so he mated in her walls and in her open boxes of cereal, and left his droppings in the pages of her books, and nuzzled her gaping mouth with his horrible body while she slept.
And she sprayed the house with noxious chemicals, commiting genocide against him and his thousands of his friends and snuffing out his family line.
Enemies by nature is enemies by nature, and nothin’ you can do about it.
The end. Happy Friday.
Later today, I give you every inch of my love. See you this afternoon!