November 4, 2011
Fairy Tale Friday! The World’s Smartest Dog

nce upon a time, a man sat in his car in a Burger Lord parking lot with a shotgun on his lap. “This is the day,” he said to himself. “I’m finally gonna do it.”

His life had been fraught with misfortune.  His wife had run off with a travelling Bible salesman.  He had been cursed with a gouty toe.  When he farted, the top of his skull flew off, and he was always having to fish it out of toilets.  He was poised to open up the back of his head with that shotgun, raining brain onto the Whomper loving populace in glistening, meaty chunks.

"I’m gonna do it," he said. "Don’t try to stop me." But he kept not doing it.


As he sat there, really thinking very seriously about finally doing something, a dog walked up to him and said, “Hey there, friend. Why the long face?”

Well that man’s mouth just about hit the fucking floor. “You can talk!” he said, because he had amazing powers of observation.

"I sure can," said the dog. "I am Barky McGee, the smartest dog in the world!"

"Let’s be friends!" said Barky McGee, and suddenly the lonely man didn’t feel like exploding his braincase quite so much anymore. 


The man and Barky drove around the neighborhood together, laughing and talking.  “Look at that bunch over there,” said the man, and Barky replied, “What a pack of morons.  Look at them go.”

"Ha ha ha," said the man.  "It sure is fun to have somebody to talk to."

"I’m gonna love you forever," said Barky.

"I’m gonna love you too," said the man.

"I’m the smartest dog in the world," said Barky.


A beautiful woman walked by carrying a paper sack of Burger Lord Whompers and Flinch Fries.  “With a woman like that,” said the man, “I would finally be happy.”

"You’d probably enjoy some of those burgers, too," said Barky. 

"And the fries," said the man.

"Why don’t you talk to her?" asked Barky.

"What would I say?  A woman like that can talk to any guy she wants.  She’ll only leave me for a travelling Bible salesman and stomp on my gouty toe.  A woman like that will only knock off the top of my head and kick me right in my ass.  What can I say to a woman like that?" asked the man.

"Tell her you have a talking dog," said Barky.

"That’s a good idea," said the man.

"I’m the smartest dog in the world," said Barky.


"I’m gonna do it," said the man.  "Thanks to my new friend Barky, I’m going to walk right over there and TALK TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.  Today is MY DAY."

Filled with a renewed sense of confidence, the man and the smartest dog in the world, Barky McGee, approached her.  The man stalked across the parking lot with determination, and peeled his lips over a pained looking grin.  His eyes bulged out in the uncomfortable grimace of friendliness.  He extended his giant, gnarled hand in a gesture of greeting.

The beautiful woman, seeing this ghoul approach, extracted a shotgun from her handbag and blew the man’s face off with it. 

"Hello," said Barky McGee to the woman. "You are an alpha leader!  May I have some of your Whomper?"

"Awww," said the beautiful woman.  "A talking dog!"

"Smartest dog in the world," said Barky McGee, his tail thumping as he took a Flinch Fry from her beautiful fingers.


As the electricity in the remains of the man stopped sizzling and the chemical juices in his organs ceased squirting, cueing his body to stop functioning, the last remaining wisp of the man pooted out of the hole in his face and ascended into space.  As it observed the scene from above, of Barky McGee and his new best friend sharing a Whomper and Flinch Fries over his smoldering carcass, he realized that even the smartest dog in the world is still a dog, and he was grateful to leave this shitty, unforgiving sinkhole of a planet behind.

The end!  Happy Friday!

  1. simianidiot posted this
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