Did you ever have one of those days, or series of days, where all you want is for some kind of quick, painless, effective, foolproof, lethal toxin to get slipped into your airways, so you could just get lulled to eternal sleep to the hissing and popping and burning smell of crackling neurons as your brain sizzles out and a white light envelops you completely, forever?
I’m depressed. I don’t want to deal with a fucking thing anymore. A nasty part of me wants to blame grandma for this, for dying at this inconvenient arc in my mood swing, but if I am to be honest, I’d be right where I am even if she was still around. I’m sure I’ll snap out of this eventually. Actually I’m not so sure, but I AM sure that eventually I’ll get numb enough to function, and my bad mood will scab over and everything will SEEM fine again. Which is just about the best someone like me can hope for.
And the way to get there is through humor. And the way to get humor, when I’m all out, is to force it.
Yesterday, I posted pictures of Weinerdog13’s Halloween costume. In case you forgot, she was a sassy little pig. She stood on my bed in her pig suit like a statue, her normally blank, dopey eyes communicating a blaring message on angry repeat: “TAKE THE PICTURE. TAKE THE PICTURE. TAKE THE PICTURE. AND GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING PIG SUIT.”
The consensus in the comments, both here and on Facebook, and directly to my face from some people, are that I should really just kill myself for humiliating my best little pal that way.
Well, what you Idiots don’t know could fill a book. I’ve dressed my dog up in FAR stupider costumes.
Let’s take a little trip down memory lane, shall we, to Halloween 1997, when Weinerdog13 went as the Pumpkin Queen.
This costume featured a little stem cap and a cape you were supposed to tie around her neck. Well let me just tell you right now, this dog wasn’t having any part of that. I got a far as draping it over her back for five seconds, snapping this picture, and watching her dart off in a blur of orange and black, leaving the costume behind in a pile on the rug. And I’m lucky that was the only pile she left on the rug. It was I who was in the doghouse, following the Pumpkin Queen fiasco.
But that just paved the way for Christmas of 2009, when Weinerdog13 starred in the 13 family Christmas pageant as Mrs. Clause:
Look at that face. Don’t you just want to chew it? Don’t chew it, it tastes terrible.
You’ll notice Sifu holding her in place for this picture. That’s because when left to her own devices, she thrashed around like a doofus at a Journey concert, discarding her cluster of silver curls and making my kitchen floor look like pube grooming day at the North Pole nursing home.
But even that couldn’t discourage me from blowing twenty five big ones in a fit of sadistic foolishness for the opportunity to dress my patient little noodle up like a FUCKING BUMBLEBEE:
God this costume was complex. First there was a little jacket, then the wings, and finally, the antennae. Every try to put an elastic headband on an ornery old dachshund who wants no part of an elastic headband? No small feat, my friends, but the end result was this…unnatural monstrosity, this affront to God himself. Which was easily the cutest thing I had ever seen until Sifu and I passed a pet store near Arthur Avenue and forced the man to crawl through the window case, tearing the entire display apart to get me the one and only pig suit they had in the store in “extra long”.
There was no shaking this one off. She was strapped in there with velcro. Velcro, friends. The formidable power of velcro is holding grown men in their shoes in some parts of the world. No simpleminded weinerdog can fight it.
So the bottom line is, fuck all y’all, because this is the price this dog pays for the top shelf vittles I give her and the fact that when I catch her dragging her crusty butt over my freshly cleaned carpet, all I do is tell her how great she is.
Oh! So because of my unexpected change of plans last week, I missed my chance to do the FINAL ASK A BIG BOSS THURSDAY of Bectober, 2011. So I’ll do that tomorrow. Please submit your question about the mysteries of the universe to me by midnight, EST, and prepare to be enlightened tomorrow. No question is too challenging to bullshit an answer for. Come one, come all, ask for knowledge and you shall receive something like it. It’s the last one so let’s make it a good one.
See you tomorrow!