October 21, 2011
Fairy Tale Friday: Little ‘Beetus and the Halloween Walrus

nce upon a time, there was a Little Diabetic who was very sad, because it was Halloween and all her friends were eating candy.  She, alas, could not, or her toes would fly off the ends of her feet like popcorn kernels and she would be strapped to a urine-stained mattress while doctors sawed off her extremities without anesthetics.

The other kids were going trick-or-treating, and they said, “Come with us, Little Diabetic, and have fun in spite of your crippling handicap!”  And so she did.

But when they got to the first house, and the door opened and little Snickers came raining down, the kids said, “Ha, ha, Little Diabetic!  You can not eat the Snickers bars, or you will suffer from extreme thirst and frequent urination and Wilford Brimley will violate you repeated with a crate of testing supplies!”

The Little Diabetic knew this was so, and abstained from Snickers.

At the second house, the door opened and they were showered with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as if God himself had squatted over their treat bags and heaved out a batch of steaming pellets of peanut butter perfection.  And the children said, “Ha ha, Little Diabetic, you are allergic to your own blood!  You can not eat the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or you will develop hyperglycemic hyperosmolar nonketotic syndrome and your wounds won’t heal!”

This was also true, god damn it.

When they rang the bell of the third house, it was answered by a giant walrus, who sprinkled the children with full sized Mounds bars, and they were so excited they crammed them into their horrible faces right there in front of the Little Diabetic, and said, “Ha ha, Little Diabetic, you can not eat Mounds bars, or you will get blurry vision and kidney failure and heart disease and you’ll die with a hundred needles sticking out of your arm in a dingy old gray joyless hospital room!”

The Little Diabetic cried, and the children went away, still laughing.  But the giant walrus said, “fear not, Little Diabetic, because I have something to tell you.  Would you like to know The Thing?”

She admitted that she would.

"They may be wrapped in a Cocoon of self-righteousness, but I know who has diabeetus," said the Walrus.  "With diet and exercise, and faithful use of your testing supplies from Liberty Medical, you can live a long and healthy life."

"I guess that’s good," said the Little Diabetic.  "But I am still sad."

"Don’t be," said the Walrus.  "The candy that they get at Our House has been generously tainted with syphilis!"

So they laughed and laughed together, and feasted upon two saltines and half a cup of skim milk, and it was a happy Halloween for the Little Diabetic and the man in the walrus costume, as perverse as that sounds.

Happy Friday!

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