nce upon a time, there was a woman who could bear no children. She and her husband felt much sorrow with every passing year.
So the woman, having nothing much to lose, consulted a Mean Old Witch who lived in the Scary Woods. She brought with her a lettuce, for she had read in other fairy tales that witches are fond of lettuces for some reason.
The witch accepted the lettuce and told her, “On the next full moon, allow your husband to hit it doggy style. When he has finished, drink this tincture right away, and stand on your head for at least ten minutes, and you shall bear two sons.”
The woman was overjoyed, but the witch warned her: “When they are born, you must choose right away which is your favorite. The one you love less you must snip off the foreskin of, or else a terrible curse will be placed upon both boys.”
And the woman agreed, because curses are superstitious bullshit designed to manipulate the simpleminded, and she did not believe in them.
* * * *
So, on the next full moon, she allowed her husband to freak her from behind, and drank the tincture and stood on her head, and nine months later she bore two sons. But she could not decide which she loved more, and said “The Mean Old Witch will never know if I leave both dongs alone,” and this she did.
The years passed and the boys grew strong, handsome and clever. But on their eighteenth birthday, the Mean Old Witch appeared! “The debt of one foreskin will be paid!” she said, which didn’t make any sense to anyone but the boys’ mother, who was sweating like a hooker in church right about then.
Dickie was afraid, but Peter was not, and said to his brother, “Don’t worry, I will go with the Mean Old Witch and pay our debt.” Peter went with the Witch into the Scary Forest, and she enslaved him and called him Rumpleforeskin.
* * * *
Rumpleforeskin was sad and lonely in the Scary Forest, but a fairy visited him and told him the secret to freedom from his grief. “Rumpleforeskin, you must rise to the occasion, and work very hard under the Mean Old Witch. Be solid, upstanding and firm, and never wilt under pressure. If you can get the witch to admit that your performance has satisfied her, the curse will be broken and you will go free.”
Rumpleforeskin did this. He stood tall, and held his head high, and put forth the effort of many men. The Witch was satisfied, and was not able to deny this when asked. “I simply could not tell the difference between Peter, before and after he came to live with me as Rumpleforeskin. He is a man.”
The Mean Old Witch turned into a sexy maiden and begged Peter to stay, but he would not.
* * * *
There was much celebrating when Peter and Dickie were reunited, and everyone agreed that there wasn’t any noticeable difference in Peter, despite his ordeals. If anything, he was more hygienic and looked bigger for some reason, even though he had not grown. They feasted upon lettuces.
And they all lived happily ever after.