Sifu has me thinking I’m going to die today.
I guess I said goodbye in a particularly ominous way this morning. It was probably just my daily depression at the idea of leaving the house when I’d rather be comatose in my big soft bed with my odor-leaking weinerdog and my human wet towel hanger, communicated inadvertently in a particularly morose way. When I got on the bus a few minutes later, I received a text message: “You never say goodbye like that.”
The MP3 player set to random spewed other dangerous portents. Every song was about sudden, unexpected loss. I finally settled on something a little less menacing, only to remember that it’s the song they play in Fight Club when the buildings all collapse (spoiler).
Every low flying plane, every twitchy maniac on the street - I’ve conditioned myself to ignore them on normal days, but this is not a normal day, and they all seem to be asking me something. “Today? Today? Today?”
As the wife of a mortician, I am well acquainted with the notion of sudden death. I understand it is not a question of if, but when. That phone call from the answering service in the middle of the night that is my annoying inconvenience is someone else’s whole world crashing down. Our bread and butter is some stranger’s pain. What Sifu does is necessary, an important kindness and a service and it doesn’t pay what it’s worth, but he is exceptionally good at it.
Some days I wake up, the alarm clock shrieking, the migraine simmering behind my eyes, the sun brighter than usual, painfully bright, and I will think, “Please, get me off this stupid rock, I can do only harm here.” But this morning I woke up hopeful, with that calm and peaceful resignation that characters in movies always seem to attain on the last day of their lives.
I am going to set this post to appear some time in the future. If I die between then and now, you can know I knew it was coming. If I live, I can remember to be glad about it when I see it again.
Rev. Back It On Up 13
August 23, 2011
Edit from today: Wow! I forgot all about this. I was surprised when I got a comment on a post since I didn’t remember posting one. A couple of hours after I posted this, on the day I thought I was doomed to die, my off*ce building started swaying back and forth. At first I thought it was someone shaking my desk chair, until I saw everyone running.
They evacuated us, and we all stood in the street, looking for a place to stand that wouldn’t get us crushed by a falling gargoyle. Everyone was pretty relieved that it wasn’t an attack by terrorists, and simultaneously alarmed that it was an attack by the planet. NYC is ill prepared for an earthquake!
So, I’m still alive. I guess that’s good news.