Weinerdog ownership comes with many exciting opportunities for scientific study. This being an elderly weinerdog, there is one particularly invasive constant that absorbs the bulk of my focus.
Pictured: Hannibal Weinerdog at the Vet
Now, my heart and my ass belong to Sifu, but my brain belongs to Science. Science is my mistress. And that’s how I came to find out that there are people who calculate, for a living, the average number of human farts per day, and that number is “between 15 and 25”.
Even our nation’s top Fart Scientists can’t understand that an average number shouldn’t have to be “between 15 and 25”. That’s a ten number difference. So let’s say that the official average number of medically approved farts per day per human is twenty. Twenty farts.
Putting aside this pedantry, we need to think more about the farts. Are they calculated by length? Because if a brief fart and a lengthy fart are both counted equally as “one fart”, the entire study is skewed. I have to give the Fart Scientists more credit than that. They would have considered an important detail like fart length when calculating that average. I don’t think volume should affect the study - after all, if one farts in the presence of a deaf person, that does not negate the fart. It still occurred.
Twenty daily farts. With 24 hours in a day, and 60 minutes per hour, there are 1,440 minutes in a day. That averages out to approximately one fart per 72 minutes.
My weinerdog is exceeding these averages, I can assure you. She is a superior gas blasting machine, with the power to clear rooms and ruin meals. SCIENCE!
* * * *
Now, how are the farts collected and catalogued? Considering the occurrence of nocturnal farts, someone must be recording these farts in a laboratory setting.
Imagine it. A dozen or so subjects at a time, in rotating 24 hour shifts, their raised asses encased in air-tight, ass-shaped molded lucite timing devices, while a team of doctors in white lab coats stand patiently on the sidelines clutching clipboards. Just to show you how serious I am about this, here is an artist’s rendering in MS Paint (the true artist’s choice):
Mathematicians are working around the clock to ensure that the carefully mined Fart Data is calculated precisely and to the second! Otherwise, inaccurate information will go on the record! We can not have that in a civilized society.
To conclude, let us summarize what we have learned today.
1. Weinerdogs fart more than, and are superior to, humans; and
2. I already had a tag for “farts”, therefore Simian Idiot is the classiest blog on the entire internet; and
3. When someone tells you they are a professional Scientist, you should think twice before letting that make you feel inadequate
You have learned science. Go in peace.
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