May 2012
28 posts
2 tags
Atrocities in MSPaint! Vacation Edition Day 3!
Welcome back! Are you still here? What is this, Saturday? Sunday? I’m writing this from the past, so a certain amount of time control is at play here.
Let’s get down to the serious business of serious fucking art. Yes?
Today’s suggestion comes to us from DJ D, who is, as they say, “goth as fuck”. What does it take to have a mind like DJ D? You have to come...
1 tag
Atrocities in MSPaint! Vacation Edition Day 2!
Welcome back. Today we are beating this dead horse with a violently challenging suggestion from my beloved LA Juice, who requested that I put my talents to work on an illustration of:
“A Lionel Richie-esque Hello Bust of SIFU, being sculpted by weinerdog, while you, the Rev- sit as the “model” wearing darkened wayfarers. At Niagara falls. just like that dream.”
Holy...
3 tags
Atrocities in MSPaint: Vacation Art Project...
So, I’m on vacation, as I mentioned yesterday, and in my absence, because I cannot destroy my perfect attendance record, I am continuing my “Atrocities in MSPaint” series, in which I will do a terrible job of drawing things in MSPaint, based on SUGGESTIONS FROM THE READERS!!! (You should see those words in flashing text, because they are exciting).
A few months ago, I...
7 tags
Simian Idiot Vacates
Today is Thursday, but there will be no Big Boss of this day, because the time has come for Simian Idiot to go on a long overdue vacation.
It won’t be a lengthy one, or even a silent one, but my input here will be minor compared to my usual blathery million-word sermonizing, like a nun from the Chattering Order of St. Beryl. I plan to have an extremely relaxing time out in the middle of...
5 tags
A Better Version of Me
In the elevator yesterday, I came face to face with my own identical twin.
We “went up” together. She had my same approximate body shape, gaunt complexion, and defeated looking stance. I find it difficult to stand any other way in an office building elevator, because they seldom take me anywhere I particularly want to be unless they are going to the lobby. Sweet freedom, escape.
...
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DECONSTRUCTED: "Easy Lover"
I’m sorry for what I’m about to do. This has been in my brain for weeks, and it isn’t going to go away until I write about it.
I’m so sorry.
Watch this video.
What you have just seen is “Easy Lover”, by Phil Fucking Collins. Collins is a Simian Idiot anti-hero. He is an unwanted thing that comes up a lot at the wrong times, like an ill-timed boner during...
8 tags
Forehead of the Week: Joe Hasselvander
I am in a bad mood.
I had a great, productive weekend, with lots of necessary things getting done in between long, slow periods of slack, the weather was perfect, I slept really well, ate well, and felt good. Then, last night I dreamed I was being chased by vampires and my only ally was Edward Fucking Cullen.
I have confessed before, in possibly the first Simian Idiot post ever, that I read the...
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Conversations: Taco Lover
Weinerdog: Hello.
BIOU: Hey there, Weenie.
Weinerdog: What have you got there? Taco?
BIOU: Yep. Tasty taco I made for myself.
Weinerdog: I just checked my bowl, and it looks like there’s only dog food in it.
BIOU: That is correct. You are a dog, you eat dog food.
Weinerdog: Your taco sure smells good.
BIOU: That’s what he said.
Weinerdog: What?
BIOU: Nothing.
...
4 tags
Conversations: Get Me.
Good day, Idiots. We’ll get back to talking dog butts and jizz farts and stupid commercials and monkeys and stuff before you know it, but first: I know you guys are spread out far and wide around the planet, so I’m asking a favor of you. My friend’s son has been missing since May 7th, and she’s going through some shit that nobody should ever have to deal with, so please...
9 tags
Happy Go Lurky
My bus stop is on a main street in our neighborhood, but at 7 AM, there’s usually not a lot going on apart from the old bookies sitting in front of the coffee shop and the occasional commuter. That is why I was so surprised this morning when a disembodied male voice bellowed out of somewhere:
“FUCK YOU!”
My fellow bus passengers glanced around at each other, then went back to...
2 tags
Big Boss of the Day.
Today would have been your birthday. Eighty-seven!
I’m sorry I never told you about my beetus. It’s just that you acted so crazy when I got Lyme Disease, and that was curable. You cried on the phone to me every day. If you’d known about the disease that will probably kill me someday, you’d never have slept again. I lied to everyone for five years, just to keep that...
9 tags
I'm Sorry About Your Unsightly Vagina
We’re going to tackle a sensitive social subject today. My friend Rev. Zapanaz brought this to my attention, because he understands the kind of thing that blows my mind, in particular, the weirdly exploitative marketing industry, and your gross, unsightly, wrongly colored vagina:
The premise of this ad, as I understand it, is in India, there is a stigma concerning undesireable vaginal...
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Insultingly Stupid Advertisements: You Are What...
Getting old sucks a rhino’s filthy balls.
My grandfather used to be a boxer. In his prime, he did not think twice about punching a deserving sucker right in the gob. I visited him a few days ago, and his hand had a huge, ugly bruise on it. “What happened, grandpa?”
“I was brushing my teeth, and the toothpaste fell out of the cabinet and landed on my hand. It...
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Forehead of the Week: David Copperfield
I hate magic.
That sounds so curmudgeonly. It’s not that I lack a childlike sense of wonder, well, I do, but that’s not why I don’t like magic. I don’t like magic because I’m not a drooly mouth-breather who is so desperate to be amazed that I’ll suspend my disbelief to the point of voluntary temporary retardation and gasp with amazement when a guy in a...
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Dream: Rough Riders
A friend and I are at a party in a strange part of town. Not knowing how to get home from there, we hail a taxi.
Imagine our delight when we discover the taxi is being driven by none other than Giorgio A. Tsoukalos!
He talks just like he does on teevee, with the odd syntax and garbly pronunciation, but as my friend and I sit in the back seat, any attempts to charm him with our knowledge of...
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Thanks, Facebook Marketing Robots
I really appreciate the way you think of me.
Fuck you.
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Conversations: Bark!
Weinerdog: zzzz
Weinerdog: BARK! BARK! BARK BARK BARK! BARK BARK BARK! BAAARK!
Sifu (from other room): What the hell is she barking at?
BIOU: I don’t know. She’s looking at the wall.
Weinerdog: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK! BARK BARK! BARK BARK! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK! BARK!
Sifu: Make her stop that!
BIOU: Weinerdog! Stop that!
Weinerdog: BARK!
BIOU: ...
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Brillant Business Ideas! Interesting People...
First things first: I need to commend you guys on your astute commentary about yesterday’s Big Boss of the Day. As many of you sharp-witted motherfuckers pointed out, yes, he probably could have used practically anything other than his mouth to extract the peanut from that monkey’s rectum. Well, too little, too late, guys. Where were you when the shit was hitting the...
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Big Boss of the Day: Zhang Bangsheng
I like my j*b. There are a lot of things I don’t care for about it, such as having to wear pants every day, and the persistent need to show up, but overall, I’m very good at it, my empl*yers seem to appreciate me, my responsibilities are challenging but fair, and I’m well compensated for the effort. And the pants. They really, really want me to wear them.
I asked.
The point...
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The Big Boss Suppresses a Fit
I am in a BAD MOOD.
Have you ever had to deal with someone who was so inherently frustrating, so unbelievably impossible, so outright fucking difficult that you seriously weighed the negatives against the positives of strangling them to death at every single encounter? The kind of person who talks in such baffling circles that by the end of a conversation, you aggressively rake your hands...
9 tags
Let's Learn Science! Population Control, the...
Because I am an asshole, and in fact a very particular KIND of asshole (the kind who BEGGED Sifu to let me put baloney all over our upstairs neighbor’s car one night as they kept us up for hours with their drunken foolishness), I have put a lot of thought into creative ways to be destructive.
And because I am another very particular kind of asshole, namely the kind who takes a keen,...
3 tags
Forehead of the Week: Divine!
You may recall the most traumatic moment in Forehead of the Week history, when I discovered, for reasons unfathomable, that there are sickos out there who are intentionally having their forehead size reduced.
Pardon me while I wipe away a tear. Why do people hate and shame us?
Anyway the reason I am honoring today’s Forehead of the Week, Divine:
Is not because of Pink Flamingos,...
3 tags
BIOU's Choice
Sifu: Who is the host of Jeopardy?
BIOU: Alex Trebek.
Sifu: And who is the host of Wheel of Fortune?
BIOU: Pat Sajak.
Sifu: I see. And which one would you rather have sex with?
BIOU: Jesus! Pat Sajak.
Sifu: Pat Sajak? Really?
BIOU: Yes. He seems like he’d be more fun in bed, less serious.
Sifu: He’s the one who looks like Alfred E. Newman, right?
BIOU: Shut up.
...
6 tags
Why I Hate Steely Dan
Sifu and I have been going to our local pub for years, and have taken many friends there with us for good times. We’re not huge drinkers, but we like to go out for a burger and a beer and this place has a fireplace and more atmosphere than you can shake a stick at, which is saying a lot. Think of how much atmosphere you could shake a stick at! They also have great food
We went there...
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"People who speak in metaphors can shampoo my...
Today’s subject line comes from Mr. Udall, Jack Nicholson’s character in “As Good As It Gets”. The first time I saw that movie, I thought Mr. Udall was an insufferable jackass, but with every passing year I can relate to him more and more. He’s still an insufferable jackass, but I am less not an insufferable jackass. If that makes any sense.
I am catching up to...
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Big Boss of the Day: Garth Algar!
Be patient with me. I had to w*rk until 10:45 last night, so I’m a little off my game today. What we need is a Big Boss with a certain naturally lax response to the stresses of daily life in the modern rat-race. What we need is a Big Boss who doesn’t mind watching from the sidelines, and doesn’t let the horrors of the civilized world bring him down. Someone inherently...
4 tags
People Take Pictures Of Each Other
I w*rk in a touristy area of New York City. It wasn’t always that way - I spent most of my professional life w*rking in residential neighborhoods, so I got comfortable with a more relaxed Man on the Street - a Man who wants to get off the Street, and be home. Man in the Home is a Man I can relate to.
Not so in this area. This is midtown, where seemingly nobody lives. Everyone is either...
2 tags
A Dead Man's Bloodthirsty Hobo Doctor Child Eating...
Okay, first things first. Today is May 1, 2012, and I am obligated to demand that you listen to this song, and then go out and follow instructions. NSFW probably.
Now onto the business of horrible scary clowns.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a kid, I inherited a statue of a sad clown. When I say inherited, I mean it, too.
Is there anything worse than a statue of a sad clown in a...
April 2012
33 posts
3 tags
Forehead of the Week: Walton Goggins
Land sakes, Walton Goggins!
A brief review of the imdb page for Walton Goggins indicates that I have seen exactly zero of his works. “Justified” has been on my list for a while, but it just hasn’t happened yet. In fact, until forehead enthusiast and fellow Idiot Debbie W. brought him to my attention, I had no idea who he was, and even after the fact, I’m having a hard...
3 tags
Crazy...
When Sifu and I were engaged, my future mother-in-law was so excited about the upcoming nuptials of her only child that she began compulsively inviting everyone to our wedding. Her intentions were good, and I confess that it felt nice to know how excited she was for me to join the family, but we had to draw the line when, on a trip to the supermarket, the following interaction took place:
Sifu:...
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Search Term Poetry! "Ass As Is"
The time has come to craft another masterpiece of poetry out of the wonderful search terms that bring us Idiots together. I have linked to the relevant post where I am able to guess it, but as always, some of these just completely fucking stumped me.
Bronson Pinchot Nation Booger snot humilation, Brush your horse teeth, Nickelback Corny dispensation.
Armadillo Eyes, Ass As Is
Albert Einstein...
7 tags
Intruder at 13 House
My home has been invaded three times in my life. The first time was when I was in college, and the last time was this past Wednesday night.
Home Invasion #1: I was 20 or so, living at home with my grandparents in the ground floor apartment of a three family private house. It was in a nice residential neighborhood, but even a nice Bronx neighborhood is still a Bronx neighborhood. Across the...
5 tags
Big Boss of the Day: Nine Dollar an Hour Human...
This post is going to be all over the place. You’re going to have to forgive me.
It’s a long one, but I urge you to read through to the end, because there’s an important message here, one I hope we can all learn from.
I have been sitting on this Big Boss for months (not literally) because I wasn’t sure how best to verbalize how important this man has been to my...
5 tags
Life After Baconators
Another sleepless night. Two in a row! Weird dreams, too. I dreamed all my Facebook friends changed their names to hide from me. Imagine going to all that effort to elude someone who is completely incapable of making an effort to reconnect?
That would never REALLY happen, though. I am beloved by dozen. I am a social wonder. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. HAHAHAHAHAHhahaha. Ha.
A dream like...
4 tags
Sound the Alarm
Phew! Yesterday was an ordeal. I had no gumption for Simian Idiot matters yesterday, because I was running my ass all over Manhattan for various medical exams. The good news is, I’m gonna live. The bad news is, someday, I’m gonna die. The good news is, the doctor wasn’t able tell me when. The parable of maybe in action once again.
I am also slightly ornery (can city women...
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Forehead of the Week: Catherine Tate
Today’s forehead of the week was suggested by Spidercamp. Thanks, Spidercamp!
Catherine Tate:
I’ll get to Catherine Tate in a moment, because obviously today is her day, but first let me get one thing out of the way.
Though I am proud of my high forehead, it has a certain element to it that does not exactly fill me with joy. This came about when I was an infant, and my young,...
5 tags
Google Search Terms to Treasure Forever
Welcome back, friends. Top Google Search Terms that I never want to forget can lead people straight to my life. The only consolation is how quickly it usually leads them out again. Let’s begin:
“Does Barry Manilow have t-shirts you can buy, and how do you go about buying them?”
This is like the kind of question my grandfather thinks you can “ask the internet”, like...
3 tags
Conversations: Weinerdog13 Is a Drummer
Weinerdog: WAKE UP. Smell my head.
BIOU: What’s wrong with your head?
Weinerdog: Just smell it. Does it smell funny to you?
BIOU: No funnier than usual.
Weinerdog: You’re not SMELLING IT. Take a good, deep smell.
BIOU: I’m smelling it! Jesus.
Weinerdog: How does it smell?
BIOU: It smells like corn chips.
Weinerdog: Phew. Okay. Good.
Sifu: What’s...
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Testimonials: Douchetastic!
“I can now skip reading anything for the rest of the day on the interwebz. That was douchetastic.” - A.F.
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Jesus Saves...at WalMart
The internet has changed things.
Nowadays there is a whole website for people who want to take pictures of other people shopping at Walmart while looking ridiculous, but I first did it years ago, before it was a trendy thing to do among very untrendy people.
I imagine modern-day WalMart employees are accustomed to people snapping pictures but when I did it, it aroused serious suspicion. But I...
6 tags
Big Boss of the Week: The Blobfish!
Strange things are afoot in the Czech Republic.
Simian Idiot is a small and humble blog. It’s the little blog that can, chugging along day by day, providing a constant and steady stream of bullshit for the eyes of dozen of readers, celebrating Big Bosses and Big Foreheads and teaching you science and religion, and sometimes attempting to put the larger truths of the universe into...
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Let's Learn About Health: Beetus Is Neatus
I just want to say, having Beetus is terrific.
Don’t believe me? Well consider this. You get to spend lots of time with your Doctor, getting holes poked in you, and getting weighed, and no matter how much (or how little) you weigh, your Doctor will look at you and say, “Not bad, but let’s try a little harder to reach those goals, okay?” So you get that regular boost of...
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Let's Learn Religion: Burned
Sifu tells me it’s time to forgive Mark Wahlberg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me make something clear - Mark Wahlberg never did anything to me. He’s probably a pretty nice guy. We were watching a movie and a preview came on for something, I don’t remember what, and Sifu made appreciative noises about how maybe he’d like to see it.
BIOU: “But it’s got Mark...
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Forehead of the Week! Spawn of McCartney
My friend Anna Dynamite is a very funny lady.
This post is going to require a little backstory, and the backstory is not going to make me look extremely cool and impressive. Well that’s never stopped me before so let’s do this.
When I was a tiny boss, a scrawny little pipsqueak boss, a bundle of matchsticks under a mop of hair, I was possessed of an all encompassing lust for Paul...
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Dream: Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles &...
In my dream, I was trying to explain to a tall stranger why nobody liked him.
BIOU: Are you familiar with “The Saga of Rodney Toady” by Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles, Giles & Fripp?
Stranger: That’s too many Giles. There weren’t that many.
BIOU: You are missing the point. Do you know of Rodney Toady?
Stranger: Yes. “Rodney was a sad young man...
4 tags
Conversations: Star Wars
Sifu: Blah blah blah blah something about Star Wars.
BIOU: Oh yeah?
Sifu: You could study up on this, you know. Kate did. You could learn about Star Wars for me.
BIOU: Yeah, but then I wouldn’t be true to myself.
Sifu: Well, honestly I’d rather you just memorize every character in Lord of the Rings.
BIOU: Done.
Sifu: I want you to tell me who Shadowfax’s father is.
BIOU:...
6 tags
I'm Sorry That I Made Blatantly False Statements...
Hey you guys. I’m an asshole. Let’s just get that obvious fact out of the way. I admit it, everybody knows it, I suck, everyone else rules, I’m the worst, hands down, the end.
You know what I learned this week? I learned that there are still people in this world who will get hot under the collar at a total stranger for making up obvious lies about Micky Dolenz of the...
5 tags
Big Boss of the Day - Thomas Kinkade
God bless Thomas Kinkade, one of the great prolific artists of our day. May he rest in peace.
I have written before about masterpiece factory Thomas Kinkade, but I spelled his name wrong in the post so I had a hard time finding it. Never again will I fail to put the “kink” in “Kinkade”.
Thomas Kinkade is best known for his contributions to the important field of Mall...
7 tags
Obsessed
I am 35 years old. I am legally authorized to operate a motor vehicle, take out a loan, even breed an entire new human being. In the days of Turkana Boy, I’d be a withered crone, shuffling along the grassy plains, the first to be left behind in a mastodon attack. I am sure there are people my age with grandchildren. Horny, careless people, but people nonetheless.
However, I am an infantile...
10 tags
Let's Face It Now
It’s been a beautiful week so far.
Saturday night was great fun. 75,000 of my favorite people came over and we all feasted and celebrated and revelled and howled at the moon. My insomnia kicked in at that point and I didn’t get to sleep until 5 AM.
It wasn’t all bad, though. By 7 AM, I was awake again, cooking my assigned contribution to the 13 Family Easter dinner.
...