February 2012
35 posts
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Simian Idiot Hits the Big Time
You guys, this little blog hit a milestone recently, and I just wanted to make sure I go on the record to say how much this means to me. I am wiping away a tear of gratitude right now.
I know it’s not a big deal in terms of other, more successful blogs. But for me, these little gestures from strangers made all the difference between my cranking out another Simian Idiot post and jumping...
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I'll Be Watching You
Here is a big fat fact: there is no good reason whatsoever to stalk me, ever.
Here is why: I am a whole mess of bad things, but I am NOT unapproachable. I don’t like everyone, but I’ll give anyone a chance, sometimes even when that clanging internal alarm is warning me to move on. I’ll talk to anyone who wants to talk to me. Even a bad conversation can be an educational...
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Let's Learn Religion: An Unrighteous Fury
Welcome to Simian Idiot’s 666th Post! Let’s take this opportunity to blaspheme and have sweaty naked goat sex and spill our seeds upon the ground and take all kinds of shit in vain! Let’s cuss and adulterate! Let’s just go to hell with ourselves!
So, very like every other day then.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every year, there comes a day when I notice lots of people...
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Big Boss of the Day: Bronson Pinchot
Here is Bronson Pinchot.
Did you know that an anagram of Bronson Pinchot is “Poncho Snort Bin”? That’s right. Ponchos. He snorts ‘em right out of the bin. Here is a Totally True Anecdote about Bronson Pinchot.
When my brother and I were larval humans, small, squirming unformed masses with sponge-like brains, we were prone to bloodthirsty feuds. We were worse than...
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Let's Learn Speaking! Forbidden Phrases
It’s time for another issue of “Let’s Learn Speaking”. Today’s focus will be the forbidden phrases.
Recently, a friend brought it to my attention that I have yet another Australian twin. The first, of course, was Erin Langworthy, the hearty, stalwart lunatic who bungee jumped over a crocodile infested river. The second Australian to mimic my entire look,...
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Lessons from the Animal Kingdom
Technical support requested! I have been having a very hard time adding photos to tumblr posts for the past few days. This is a new thing - clicking “add/insert image” and then adding the photobucket URL doesn’t work - when I try to accept the image, it resets the form to blank. Can anyone suggest how to fix this? It doesn’t let me add the image as HTML either.
This...
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Forehead of the Week: Dick Clark!
I resent your implication that this is an excuse to make the same old hackneyed jokes about how Dick Clark is a robotically animated undead space drone. Simian Idiot is a lot of terrible things, but it is not a tired, predictable mockery of the same old shit, and it does NOT play around where foreheads are concerned. How dare you.
Just to prove you sons of bitches wrong, we are going to focus...
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You And Me, Babe. How About It?
Have you ever been in love with a friend?
It isn’t easy. It’s very painful, in fact. You have to watch them go about their life, sometimes watching from the sidelines while they share it with other people. LESSER people. You might wonder, “why can’t that be me instead?”
Sifu and I have an anniversary today - it’s been ten years since he lost his mind and...
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Conversations: Your Ass Is As Big As A Billboard
Weinerdog: What’s that you have there? Beetus ice cream?
BIOU: Yes. I have a sore throat.
Weinerdog: I don’t have any ice cream.
BIOU: Of course you don’t. You are a dog. Dogs don’t eat ice cream.
Weinerdog: That’s true. We eat whatever the master deems fit to give us.
BIOU: As it should be.
Weinerdog: What’s that, fatty?
BIOU: Huh?
...
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Totally True Confessions: Asia Fever
Totally true confessions: I have always thought the lead singer from Asia had a pretty sexy voice.
The only Asia song I know is “Heat of the Moment,” which is Weinerdog13’s theme. It’s the song I sing to her when she gets busted furiously humping her bed, or a pillow, or my boot. Weinerdog13 has peculiar sexual appetites.
Recently, after a few drinks with friends, I...
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Big Loss Of the Day: Barry Manilow, Destroyer of...
We’re going to have a little departure from tradition today.
Normally, Thursdays are when I celebrate a Big Boss of the Day. Every week, I think “this is the week I’m not going to have anyone to honor. This is the week I am going to come up short.” Nobody would care except me. I am the only person who likes the Big Boss of the Day posts.
I had someone lined up for...
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My Eyes Are Up Here, Next To My Horns
Following my groundbreaking expose on how contact lens wearers are nasty-asses, a discussion among my vision-impaired friends suggested that not only are contact lenses gross (YOU TOUCH THEM DIRECTLY TO YOUR EYE), but they are also ineffective compared with a pair of dome-lensed goggles that the wearer would strap around his or her head, encasing the entire view in glorious magnification.
The...
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Conversations: What's It Going To Take?
Sifu: Would you leave me for Jonathan Coulton?
BIOU: No.
Sifu: What about the singer from They Might Be Giants?
BIOU: Which one?
Sifu: The skinny one.
BIOU: No.
Sifu: Would you leave me for Dan Akyroyd?
BIOU: No.
Sifu: What about Bill Murray?
BIOU: Are we going through all the Ghostbusters now?
Sifu: Would you leave me for Quentin “Rampage” Jackson?
BIOU: No.
...
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Simian Idiot Loves You All Up
Something or other is upon us once again. Last year, I celebrated Valentine’s Day with some sort of rambling tribute to burning orphans and sentient sperm, and while that is the most romantic thing possible and there is no way I can ever top it, I do write a blog that gets frequent traffic from people searching for “perfect tits” and “grandma’s anus”, and if...
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Testimonials!
“Are you even capable of putting things in anything but the utmost of ladylike ways? I venture that you are not.”
- Jugendshenst…ucht.
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Forehead of the Week: Michelle Dockery!
This week’s celebrated forehead came to my attention via established forehead appreciator and avid television fan Mister Sister, who writes, “I have gotten hooked on watching the PBS series Downton Abbey, one of the costars has an uncanny resemblance to you and quite a forehead indeed!”
Hello Michelle Dockery!
While I can not agree with Mister Sister’s assessment that...
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Testimonials!
“Your claim that my logic is circular is just the sort of random incoherency I have come to expect from you. I thought I could participate in a meaningful discussion but I see that is impossible. You just make stuff up and spew it out. You are obviously insane.”
- Kenneth
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Testimonials!
Kenneth has been heaping praise upon me like a rabid lunatic lately. Because today is a day of deep disappointment for reasons I will get into later this week, I am going to memorialize some of his recent flattery here, where I will see it when I need to be lifted up.
“You have already shown yourself incapable of logical thought and you don’t even seem to know what logic is except...
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Perspectives: An Inspirational Message - The...
You know what I like to fixate on, to an unhealthy degree?
The last moment I can remember before something unpleasant happened. That last horrible second of unsuspecting calm before a storm.
Pictured: Impending Doom
I like to fixate on moments like that because, like someone who has seen the movie before, I now know how it all turns out, and I pity the characters and their naive joy. ...
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Who the Hell is Beryl Siskin?
For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from serious, persistent, recurring insomnia. When I was a tiny boss in the early 1980’s, I recall many evenings spent watching teevee until the National Anthem played, then watching the static come on, then getting the shit scared out of me (figuratively) by the awareness that with the glowing god in my bedroom in hibernation for the evening,...
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One Year Ago on Simian Idiot: Factory Sealed for...
I can’t believe a whole year has come and gone since this monumental event took place. Yes, the important day in history when I couldn’t remember if I was wearing deodorant or not.
Blogs are phenomenal things. It is so key that I talked about that. Twice, now.
A lot has changed in the past year. No it hasn’t, nothing has changed. In fact I just did a quick “whiff...
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Big Boss of the Day: Carl Sagan! FOR SCIENCE!
Sifu: Let’s watch something on Netflix streaming.
BIOU: CARL SAGAN’S COSMOS! I want to see if he’s wearing a turtleneck and blazer, or a corduroy suit.
Sifu: It’s a tan corduroy suit. With black socks. And a knit tie.
BIOU: Perfect.
Sifu: And lip gloss, or something.
BIOU: It was the ’70s.
Carl Sagan: the Bob Ross of Science! Happy little atoms...
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The Parable of Maybe: Strippers, Taoist Farmers...
Last week, something wonderful happened.
I was having a lousy week. Around every corner was bad news, obligation, and inconvenience. I got home late every night, so every morning I was dragging my ass, looking a mess, and acting like a honey badger. Literally, I was gnawing the entrails out of dead rodents and shit, it was disgusting. So unlike me, the consummate Queen of Class.
That’s...
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Let's Learn Etiquette: Sorry You Died, Get Over...
I really hate that recent (?) meme where people say “That awkward moment when…” and then describe some awkward moment. I mostly hate it because it glorifies sentence fragments. People must not be trained to think in sentence fragments. We’re already on the verge of a massive language collapse and something must be done to halt the trend. Someone actually SAID...
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Just came in to join the crowd. Had some time to...
Sifu comes from Shelbyville.
Or so I always believed. Some of you may recall an old episode of The Simpsons where the kids from Springfield visit a neighboring town, Shelbyville. Shelbyville has everything Springfield has, right down to the specific familiar characters, but they were just somehow…off. The Bart equivalent used a weird catchphrase. The principal of the Shelbyville...
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Forehead of the Week! Mayhem
Thanks to somebody for alerting me to this week’s glorious forehead. I think it was BifocalBabe, but I’m not 100% on that. Lotta things going on in the old Duder’s head. Lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous. Here is a true story.
A couple of weeks ago, I was hanging around at home on a Friday night with Sifu and two of our friends, watching them play video games,...
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MS Paint Atrocity Art Project: "Condoms Confound...
Well, it’s “Superbowl Sunday”, and our cable is out. That’s okay with me, I don’t understand football. Sifu has just completed his 7th consecutive w*rkday, however, and he is a little disappointed.
To quell these feelings of sadness and misery, I have created another installment in the MS Paint Atrocity art project. This stupefying message from the great beyond...
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Text Message Conversations That Explain Everything
Once again, the well-oiled machine of SWYPE comes to the rescue when I need help expressing myself!
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Sifu: I am so tired. I am going to fall asleep during this funeral.
BIOU: Later on. Can you take a basho. Basho basho basho. Can you basho NAP. What is nap. Goddamit. WhaT IS BAGUIO. Mego. Nacho. Nazi.
Sifu: Oh yeah?
BIOU: Basho.
BIOU: I am doing very porky.
Sifu: You...
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Perspectives: The Third Wheel
Although I’d received some unsettling news the night before, and I’d torn the hem on my only clean pair of pants so the cuff was pinned up with five clanking SubGenius buttons, and it was raining and I’d forgotten my umbrella, and my hair was wild, and a million other things, I could tell that the woman sitting next to me on the bus during my morning commute was having a worse...
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Demonoc's Last Stand
On Monday evening, my former upstairs neighbor “Demonoc” returned to have what I expect will be his final blowout with his estranged beloved, “Manicu”.
He stood in our driveway, shouting accusations into his cell phone. The lovely Manicu, in her standard inebriated state, slurred hysterics at him. Because she was kind enough to leave her windows open, we were made to...
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One Year Ago on Simian Idiot!
One year ago today, I shared with dozen of readers the story of why Vincent Gallo, renowned something-or-other, told me to go fuck myself. It was many years ago that this occurred. However, I had it coming.
It’s important not to forget about things like this. Vincent Gallo is a glamorous celebrity. Look at him. LOOK AT HIM.
Envy his sweet yellow cowboy shirt. When someone like me...
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Big Boss of the Day: Woman With Two Vaginas!
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.
Meet Hazel Jones! She has two vaginas, and I have SO many questions.
Miss Jones “suffers” from something called “uterus didelphys”, which is a malformed uterus that I can’t. I can’t. I can’t get through this post without making some terrible joke. I know myself. I’m a terrible person. I’m...
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Conversations: Spaghetti Head
Weinerdog: Hey man, gimme some of your spaghetti.
BIOU: Oh hell no! Get out of here. That’s my spaghetti.
Weinerdog: C’mon. I’ll be your best friend!
BIOU: Get lost. You can’t eat this. You’ll get worms.
Weinerdog: I won’t. I promise. Just give me one piece.
BIOU: Okay. One piece.
*puts single spaghetti on top of weinerdog’s head*
...
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In a Post Apocalyptic World, There Is No Duckface
I want to go back to high school.
To clarify: I don’t want to go NOW, in the World of Today. I can’t imagine being a high school student at a time when every interaction is so public. It seems stupid that social media has been so thoroughly embraced by people in their most awkward phase of life, but they eat that shit up. It is as if they cannot wait to make fools of themselves.
...
January 2012
58 posts
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Astonishing Shit You Can Buy: Snap On Smile!
Friends,
There are some things that are so quintessentially Simian Idiot material that I practically kill myself in an effort to write about them the second they float to the forefront of my consciousness. Sometimes I have to wait, because I’m in the middle of driving or cooking or screwing or whatever, but as soon as I’m done, my ass is right here talking about vampire squids and...
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Forehead of the Week! Eva Green
I first saw Eva Green when she was in a movie with one of those James Bonds, and I had mixed feelings about her because her character was a biiiiiiiiiiiiitch. You have to hear me pronounce that to understand exactly how bitchy her character was. I did not care for Eva Green’s character one bit.
So it perturbed me a little when Sifu said, “Hey, she kind of reminds me of you!”
...
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Guilty Pleasures: Al Stewart
Many moons ago, my good friend Anna Dynamite and I annoyed every last one of our mutual Facebork friends by changing our picture every single day for an entire month, to honor a different guilty pleasure each day.
I’d like to continue that tradition now, not in the spirit of annoying anyone, but because the guilty pleasure is a beautiful thing.
I don’t really believe in them. Life...
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One Year Ago on Simian Idiot: A Sexual Dilemma
I remember this like it was just yesterday, but it wasn’t yesterday. It was last year.
Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you have to have sex with Tyne Daly. When that occurs, you just grit your teeth and get through it. It takes a special kind of love and understanding to pose a challenge like Sifu posed to me, deeply personalized and tinged with the horror. ...
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MS Paint "Art" Project: PlantMonster Submission
I slept all afternoon.
Contrary to expectations, I survived this morning’s medical experimentation, but I did so on very little sleep. My panicky response to these appointments always screws me up for days beforehand, so I came home and crashed couch, under a blanket of weinerdog and soothing weinerdog aromas.
Tomorrow I will be in beautiful New Jersey attending a convention for...
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The Taking of Rev. Back It On Up 13
By the time you read this, I will be gone. Today, January 27, 2012, I am going to get my arm vein violated by the doctor even Zatoichi couldn’t defeat.
I’m probably not going to live through this appointment. I feel a darkness, like a signal from the old gods that this is the end. I am going to perish and then they can harvest all the blood they want. Won’t be needing it in...
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My Cry For Help: Why I Would Eat Richard Simmons
I have had my ass kicked by love.
As I write this, the inside of my upper lip on the right is hanging in shreds. I was struck in the face, and it split my lip against my teeth and filled my mouth with blood. The lip is swollen, the face is distorted. Love did this to me, and now I look like I have orally worked my way across Hunts Point collecting change for a wild night of crack...
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Big Boss of the Day: Taco Guy!
How far would you go for pure taco satisfaction?
If your answer was not, “I’d sleep in a burning truck for it,” go fuck yourself, amateur.
I’m going to introduce you to the Big Boss of the Day shortly, but first I want to show you something. Tacos have been invading my life lately.
Have you ever seen such a big taco? That is what he said.
Pictured above is an ad...
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Conversations: Commitment
Guy on TV: “Who is going to buy the cow, if they get the milk for free?”
Sifu: “I did.”
BIOU: “Oh yeah?”
Sifu: “Good milk.”
BIOU: “Oh my god.”
Sifu: “Hot cow.”
BIOU: “Thanks.”
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Let's Learn Romance! The Fine Art of Gift Giving
I used to date a guy with Gout.
His gout is not relevant to this story, though. The gout is character development. He was thirty years old, he had gout and a budding drinking problem, and the day we finally broke up for good, while I was giving him the bad news, someone was out in front of my house smashing the sideview mirrors off his truck.
I want to stress here that I do not know who did...
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One Year Ago On Simian Idiot! Llamas: Still...
The nice thing about having a good backlog of stories here is that I completely forget which ones I’ve already told, so when I go back into the archives I can read them again as if they are fresh and new.
One year ago today on Simian Idiot, we began our journey together down the hallowed halls of SCIENCE, as I shared with my three readers the tale of how I chased a llama around a mud pit...
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Totally Benign Things That Are Inexplicably Creepy
Seeing a guy you know sort of casually but in a fully dressed, non-nipple kind of way, without his shirt on. No picture for this one, guys. We don’t need it.
Okay maybe this one picture.
It’s kind of a bad example, because poor old John Travolta here is just trying to go for a swim. If he swam with a shirt on, let’s be honest, we’d all be imagining that his torso is...
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Conversations: Snow
BIOU: I realize there is nothing we can do about this, given the nature of the universe, but snow is really inconvenient.
Sifu: Yeah, it is.
BIOU: It’s just everywhere. It’s all over everything. And there’s noplace to put it.
Sifu: No.
BIOU: You can shove it out of the way and stack it up all you want, but it’s gonna get a mess on you and it’s just all over...
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Forehead of the Week!
I have a very, very bad week ahead of me. A head, get it.
Anyway. On Friday, I have to do the thing I dread doing more than almost any other thing I do. I refer, of course, to my quarterly bloodletting - the doctor will drill into my vein with an enormous spike, tap a hole in it, and all my precious, sugary krovvy will spill into a vial the very thought of which is making me feel faint right...
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More Horror and Lies
Just to be sure, I tried another one of these things. I have never been too fond of my face, but I have to say:
I am a much better looking woman than FRED GOD DAMNED DURST. Oh my god, I’m obsessed.
I promise to get over this soon, but seriously.
I had to do one more, just to get to the bottom of the Fred Durst Conspiracy. What face could I use to compare to the database of faces,...